Here at Doklands we don't know the first thing about football. It seems an unlikely state of affairs that the antics of a bunch of men in shorts has created a vibrant culture and complex social rituals, but this does seem to be the case. We're unable to state if Half Man Half Biscuit's The Referee's Alphabet is an accurate portrayal of the beautiful game. It does have a lot of truthiness about it, though. It's taken from their 2002 album Cammel Laird Social Club, and features guitar, imitation birdsong, and the world's least impressed man as its narrator. You're going to enjoy this.